


dolores ain't got nothin on me.

by orphan_account



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: F/M, If you dont like dont read, No meta we die like ben, Pseudo-Incest, basically a crackfic cuz my crackhead brain can't think of a real plot so !!!!, bentacles, fiveya - Freeform, give me happy or give me death in s2, im hopping on the fiveya train bois, literally theyre all adopted i dont see how it matters lmao, mentions of alluther, mostly fiveya tho, thats all i want for them, theyre happy what can i say, tua season 2
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-06 12:39:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18851248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: a collection of fiveya fics.





	1. that's you, dipwad.

**Author's Note:**

> in which five finds out luther's 'brilliant' plan of putting vanya in a cage, basically.

"You did  _what_?"

"I had to!"

Five looks at his blond brother with so much hate that Luther looks scared for his life.

A couple seconds pass before five sprints towards Luther. Luther realizes that he's about to get beat and starts running.

Five manages to tackle Luther in the middle of Klaus' room, jabbing a knee into his back and yelling, "You son of a  _bitch_! You will _never_ do anything like that to Vanya again, do you hear me? And if you forget, I'll beat your sorry monkey ass faster than you can cry and say, 'But dad put me on the moon'!"

Luther cries out, "Fine! I'm sorry! God!"

"That's what i thought."

Five pushes Luther one final time before getting up and going to Vanya again, sitting tentatively behind her.

She laughs quietly. "You're so extra, you know that, Five?"

"He deserves it," Five says, glaring at Luther, who's getting to his feet.

"It's not really that big of a deal."

"Yes, it is."

"You're right." She looks at Luther, and he has the decency to look remorseful. "That was shitty, Luther."

"Sorry, Vanya. I wasn't thinking straight, with Allison hurt and all. I'm sorry."

She smiles at her brother, forgiving as always. "It's okay. As long as you don't put me in anymore cages, we're good."

He grins back, and they're back to normal (however normal they can get at this point) even if Five is still fuming.

"Guys! You're missing the point here!" Klaus says, swiping an arm across the group. "We're 13! And we can actually help each other this time around! And Ben is alive! And Five is back! And the apocalypse didn't happen so we're alive!"

There's smiles around the circle as they all marvel at their luck.

"'Help each other this time around'? With what?" Ben asks curiously.

"I mean," Klaus blinks at him. "None of us were too peachy. Me, with the ghosts and drugs, Vanya with all her shit we didn't help her through- expect Five, christ on a cracker, I know, stop glaring at me, I know you helped her, but you caused some trauma with little V here as well, don't forget- Ben with, well, you know. his bentacles, everything, and then the rest of you obviously as well cause we all know about dear old dad's a+ parenting."

"I forgot about the bentacles!" Diego exclaims like it's the only thing giving him joy in this world.

Ben groans. "Don't remind me. Klaus, you were even dumber when we were thirteen."

Allison shakes her head. "Nah. His stupidity just started."

"I'm right here guys. Y'all literally suck _wiener_."

"That's you, dipwad."

Everyone looks at Vanya in disbelief.

Five stares at her, a weird mix of proud and smug on his face.

"You just Fived me," Klaus says with a blank expression.

"Hell yeah she did!" Five tackles Vanya onto Klaus' bed as gently as possible, tickling her.

Vanya laughs and squeals at Five, and Allison whispers to Klaus, "I forgot how flirty they were. Jesus christ, they're gonna be even more annoying."

Klaus grins. "Sister dear, if we thought Five was head over heels for her then, we're in for a big surprise now. and don't pretend like the rest of us didn't throw up every time we got five feet in the range of you and Luther."

Ben nods solemnly. "One time i actually did throw up."

"Ew."

Klaus could be talking about Ben's struggle with #alluther, or how Five and Vanya were now simply laying on the bed, whispering quietly with Five's arms around her and his face tucked into her neck.

Their siblings never saw this side of them the last time they were 13, and to say the least, everyone looks a bit shook. The most affection they'd ever seen from Vanya and Five came from looks too long to be normal, a brush of a hand, Five unrelentingly fighting their father on her behalf, or the unmistakable sounds of Vanya's socked feet padding towards the kitchen then back to five's room in the middle of the night. 

Never in their lives did they see five of all people tucking vanya next to him like they fit together perfectly. Obviously they were being more outspoken about their relationship this time around.

Klaus broke the siblings' silence by whining, "What the hell, guys. Stop being gross, we get enough of that from Luther and Allison."

Vanya blushes but Five says, loud enough for everyone to hear, "No, shithead. Vanya's warm." He visibly holds her tighter.

Klaus sighs, resigned to their fate. "We've all got to admit, though- they're way cuter than Allison and Luther will ever be."

Ben and Diego say, "Agreed," at the same time, causing them to laugh uncontrollably.

Luther throws his hands up in the air, exasperated. "Why does everyone hate me or my relationships?!"

"There, there." Allison lowers his arms with her own. "They're right. Fiveya is cuter than us."

"Fiveya?"

"Their ship name."

"Yeah, Luther. Catch the fuck up."

"Oh,  _pardon me_."

"Pardoned!"


	2. the moon (shut up luther)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oOps my finger slipped and now there’s angst. mY bAd

“Vanya, you’re a life saver.”

 

It’s three am, and Five cant sleep. Luckily, Vanya knocked on Fives door tentatively, holding a plate with peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches piled up.

 

She smiles at him as they sit on his bed. The only light in the room is coming from the moonlight through his window, and it’s peaceful, like they’re the only two people in the world.

 

“I made you a sandwich every night, did you know that?” Vanya asks, and he shakes his head, looking guilty. “Pogo used to step in them all the time, he told me. I left the lights on for you, too, so you wouldn’t get scared and run off again.”

 

Five takes her hand, pressing his lips to her smooth skin. “I’m sorry, Vanya. So, so sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.”

 

There was a pause, then Five took a sharp breath. “I never did get used to the dark.”

 

“You were deathly afraid of it, Five.”

 

“I know. You always helped me through, though. In the apocalypse, I... I was scared out of my mind. There was no moon. Now I know why, but when I most needed the rock in the sky, it wasn’t there. When I needed you, you weren’t there, and it was entirely my own fault.”

 

She slips her arms around him tightly, sensing the dangerous territory they’re about to enter.

 

“You’re the moon, Vanya. And Luther can shut the hell up, this is nothing about that ‘But Dad put me in the moon’ shit. You’re the moon because I need you to survive, and without you, my world is plunged into darkness with no hope of retreat.”

 

They stare at each other, hearts beating in sync and fingers intertwining.

 

“I love you, Vanya.”

 

Smiling, she says, “I love you too, Five,” and burrows herself into his arms.

 

He laughs gently, holding her tightly.

 

The room is filled with Vanya’s soft snores and Five’s quiet murmuring as they fall asleep in each other’s arms, a plate of uneaten sandwiches net to them.

 

That’s how Klaus and Ben find them in the morning, cuddled up together, with serene smiles on their faces.

 

Klaus and Ben leave them alone, thank god for small miracles.

**Author's Note:**

> this is bad af but i wanted to post some fiveya so. i'm probably gonna just make this fluff oneshots with a semblance of plot hopefully lmao.
> 
> anyways give kudos please!!


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